Life

The Delights of Destruction

August 19, 2011

This essay was originally written and performed for Write Club Atlanta, a monthly competitive writing event. With the possible exception of demolition experts, terrorists and rock stars sitting around in their hotel rooms, no one ever says, “I wish I were more destructive.” But why not? Why has “destruction” become such a dirty word? I understand that nobody [...]

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Hi. I’m The Classless Chap, and I’m a Flake

July 22, 2011

Since they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, I recently admitted I was a flake. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, but I was sick and tired of faking being sick and tired just so I could get out of doing something. You know how an alcoholic never [...]

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To Do or Not To Do

July 15, 2011

In my closet I have a box of old journals and once in a while I like to grab one and thumb though it. One thing I’ve noticed while doing this, other than I have the handwriting (and possibly the thoughts) of a schizophrenic, is that I really love making to-do lists. No matter what [...]

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I Can’t Fight this Feeling that I Want to Fight You

July 8, 2011

I woke up singing REO Speedwagon’s ‘Take it on the Run’ this morning and it reminded my of something that happened to me when I was nine years old. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was walking to the Kwickie to buy a pack of candy cigarettes. The Kwickie was the convenience store at [...]

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Horny Like the Wolf

June 24, 2011

I went to a Duran Duran concert earlier this year, and when they started playing ‘Girls on Film’ I was overcome by a wave of nostalgia. The throbbing beat, heavily-chorused staccato guitar and sounds of clicking cameras brought back memories of my childhood. As I watched Simon LeBon trying to recreate his 80′s groove, I [...]

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In Loving Memory of The Classless Chap

June 16, 2011

On a recent, sunny Sunday afternoon, I was enjoying a relaxing drive when I started thinking about death. However, it wasn’t my excessive speed, or Billy Joel’s ‘Only the Good Die Young’ playing on the radio that got me thinking about death. Instead, it was a large green sticker affixed to the car in front [...]

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You Lazy. Me Crazy. Now MOVE!

January 12, 2011

Some people like to judge others based on things such as whether they prefer the Beatles or the Stones, love cats more than dogs or like The Godfather more than Goodfellas. Me? I think that’s shallow and ridiculous. There is only one question I use to make my irrational judgment of you. Do you walk [...]

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You Can’t Spell Manicure Without MAN

January 6, 2011

I’ve never been what you would call a man’s man. Yes, I know there’s no official definition for “man’s man,” but if there was one I’m positive it wouldn’t include examples such as, “Enjoys manicures, pedicures, long bubble baths and cries like a baby while watching YouTube videos of lions returning to their original owners.” [...]

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Four New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

December 31, 2010

Ah, the time of year to reflect, refresh, and resolve to be better. I love this time. It’s like Sunday nights when I’m deep into a bottle of red and feeling ambitious and hopeful about the week ahead. Except now we’re talking an entire year which means that instead of that ambition and hope fading [...]

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Wheeze and Sneeze at Home Please

December 20, 2010

I’ve never been a big germaphobe, but over the last couple of years I’ve acquired a healthy disdain for unhealthy people who go to work, parties or other events when they have a bad cold. It’s one of the most disrespectful and self-centered things we as a society do, and it has to stop. Unless [...]

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