Ah, the time of year to reflect, refresh, and resolve to be better. I love this time. It’s like Sunday nights when I’m deep into a bottle of red and feeling ambitious and hopeful about the week ahead. Except now we’re talking an entire year which means that instead of that ambition and hope fading by Wednesday, it just may last through February. And while I may not always accomplish the goals I set on Sundays, I never let cynicism keep me from setting them, so I’m not going to let it keep me from setting them for the new year either. So, without further ado, here are my Four New Year’s Resolutions for 2011.
GET MY GROOVE ON
No one took the time to teach me how to Dougie this year and unfortunately my bald spot prevented me from whipping my hair back and forth. But, there is always a new dance craze and in 2011 I’m going to learn at least one of them. Who cares if I’m old, overweight and not a particularly good dancer? There are YouTube tutorials for everything.
Once I learn the hot new dance I’ll try to get invited to as many parties as possible. Then I’ll do my perfected wallflower routine and wait patiently for my song to come on so I can casually move to the center of the room and commence to throw down. Hell, I may even learn a couple of older dances this year, just so I’m not seen as a one-trick throwdowner. As they say, it’s never too late to Superman dat hoe after doing the Stanky Legg.
NOT BE SO LAME
I will do my best not to participate in cliché humor in 2011. I know this resolution will be hard to keep since there are times when I’ll have to make small talk with coworkers, family or strangers who are conservative and/or lack a broad sense of humor. But, there are certain things I can do this year to be less of a dipshit, such as never again telling my server “It was horrible” while pointing to my empty plate and rubbing my full belly. Whenever I’m introduced to someone in 2011 and they say “I’ve heard so much about you,” I can and will respond without saying “I hope you only heard the good things!” Also, I will resist all opportunities to point out that “That’s what she said.”
Maybe the best way to keep this resolution is to abandon all use of humor when making small talk. Instead I can rely on my amateur meteorologist skills and stick to discussing the weather. THEM: “This rain is crazy.” ME: “Yeah, but we sure do need it.”
CLASS IT UP
In hopes of becoming a classier chap in 2011, I hereby resolve not to drink wine unless it’s served in proper stemware. I should clarify that this only applies to restaurants. I’m not going to refuse Pinot Noir at a friend’s house just because they poured it in a Cabernet glass. I’m not that much of a pretentious asshole. Yet.
At 38, I’m not drinking wine to get “fucked up.” I’m drinking it because I love the ritual. I love the way it looks in the glass, I love swirling it around, I love smelling it and, of course, I love tasting it. Whether it’s psychological or not, wine tastes better to me when it’s served in a proper glass. And if a restaurant is going to mark up a bottle of wine 100% + then they should serve it to me correctly. Similarly, when I order by the glass I’d love it if they would learn not to over-pour. That’s just so gauche.
An addendum to this resolution is that I’m also not going to eat fast food this year unless it’s properly plated. A man must have his standards!
SPEAK UP
Itendtomumblesomtimes. Especially in public. I do it because my hearing is not that great, so I’m always worried I’m talking too loudly. I don’t want to sound like one of those loud douche bags who want everyone around them to hear how they are wintering in the Caymans, so I overcompensate by speaking softly and often mumbling. It annoys my wife enough that she has bestowed upon me a pretty cool Mafia name. But, while I kind of enjoy being called “Mumbles,” I am going to do my best this year to speak clearly, with confidence, and at an appropriate volume. I’m no longer going to care if people can hear what I’m saying. I can’t worry about making others depressed about their unfulfilled lives when I talk about how I spent my entire Saturday in bed watching a ‘To Catch a Predator’ marathon. They should be smart enough to know that my life is not always THAT glamorous. Hell, sometimes it’s really hard. At least that’s what she said.
Resolutions that JUST missed the cut
- Buy a top hat
- Stay up until later than 10PM at least once a week
- Not get a computer virus via internet porn
- Answer the phone when my friends call
- Not tweet pictures of myself taking bubble baths
- Not assume that most people are idiots
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
While your resolution is to stop saying, “That’s what she said,” my resolution is to make my mom stop saying it. Coming from her, it’s just … not right.
I remember, oh so fondly, T the first time we met. When you told me you heard so much about me and then said We gonna part like it is 1999! … even if it was 1990.
And that’s me calling you right now biotch.