Some people like to judge others based on things such as whether they prefer the Beatles or the Stones, love cats more than dogs or like The Godfather more than Goodfellas. Me? I think that’s shallow and ridiculous. There is only one question I use to make my irrational judgment of you. Do you walk when you’re on an escalator or do you just stand there?
If you just stand there, then you get six bonus questions, so please take a moment to answer the following:
1) Are you physically unable to walk?
2) Are you elderly?
3) Are you an infant?
4) Are you carrying a large item?
5) Do you stand to one side, giving ample room for a person to pass you?
6) Are you at the airport, returning from a trip and depressed about having to get back to your unfulfilled life?
If you did not answer yes to one or more of these questions, then I count you among my nemeses.
Of all the things that irritate me, being stuck on an escalator behind lazy fucks who just stand there, two abreast, without a care in the world, may top the list. They are followed closely by the single standers. The ones who look at me like they just caught me finger-banging their wives whenever I say, “Excuse me” and want to pass. (Even if I had done that to their wives, you would think they would at least appreciate my courteous “excuse me,” and move to the side.)
It’s not always the laziness of these people that bothers me as much as their disregard for my time as they drag me into their laziness. Wouldn’t you be pissed off if I decided I was going to spend my entire Saturday lying on the couch and that meant you had to do it too? It’s like the assholes who drive 55-miles-per-hour in the left lane, ignoring the long line of cars behind them. It’s fine with me if you want to be the anti-Sammy Hagar; just do that shit in the far right lane, would ya?!
I’ve always thought that escalators are similar to the welfare system. Both are were created to help you reach your destination faster and more efficiently, but each work best if you do your part.
Let’s take welfare, for instance. Just because you’re getting a government check doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be trying to better yourself. Ideally you would be using those checks to help keep your head above water as you continue to search for dry land.
The same holds true for escalators. Just because you CAN stand there and do nothing doesn’t mean you should. With just a little effort you’ll not only get where you’re going quicker, you’ll get a little exercise too. It’s a classic win-win situation. And we all want to win, right? So, I say fuck the Gipper. Next time you’re on an escalator how about you move your lazy ass and win one for The Chap?
