I like wearing women’s socks. See the photo of the pretty purple ones with the polka-dots? Yeah, that’s me, and you can usually find me wearing those socks once a week. But it’s not that I like wearing women’s socks exclusively. It’s not like you’ll ever see me wearing ankle socks with little pom-pons on them. No, what I really like is knee-high socks, gender be damned.
The reason I like wearing knee-highs is the way they feel on my legs. There is something about the way they hug my legs that makes me feel secure throughout my day. I feel equally disheveled and can’t focus when my socks are falling down or are not high enough.
I’m sure there is some deeper psychological reason for my sock preference, just like I’m sure there is a deeper reason that I like to sleep while clutching a pillow, or that I say hello to Gilbert my garden gnome. (It’s perfectly normal that I named him, though. I believe if you’re going to have a little fake man with a big-ass beard living in your backyard, you should be civilized and give the fucker a name.)
Maybe I’ll ask a therapist about this sock thing. I’ve been thinking about finding a new one lately, but then I start thinking about my last therapist. He was a nice guy and I enjoyed talking to him, but he lost me when he said, “I don’t really know what I can do for you. You seem to have it all figured out, you just need to act on it.”
While I appreciated the guy stroking my ego by telling me I had it all figured out, that wasn’t really the issue. Most of us have it figured out, right? Want to lose weight? Burn more calories than you take in. Want to save money? Bring in more than you spend. The hard part is acting on it, which is why I was seeing a therapist in the first fucking place.
Imagine how pissed you would be if you heard this sort of response in other situations…
YOU: “My car is making a funny noise. It sounds like the carburetor.”
MECHANIC: “Well, bossman, you seem to have it all figured out. You just need to fix her up.”
YOU: “My basement is flooded. The leak is coming from the upstairs bathroom.”
PLUMBER: “Well, sounds like you have it all figured out. You just need to plug the leak.”
YOU: “I’m facing assault charges because I hit my therapist after he turned out to be useless.”
LAWYER: “How will you be paying?”
Did I really just tell a lawyer joke? Amazing! Maybe I should follow that up with a few one-liners about how I want you to take my wife. By the way, if you do take her, please don’t allow her to bring along any of her socks. I need those.
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